A Relatively Good Day and Then a Bad Day

Yesterday was a relatively good day for me. I didn’t spend the whole day sitting in front of the computer trying in vain to get my writing assignments done for the day. I was out and about doing things and interacting with people. I went grocery shopping, I went to visit with family, and I went to my little cousin’s volleyball game. Then, I had a family dinner and TV watching (Fear the Walking Dead).

It was a full and busy day for me. And for most of the day, I was feeling up. I even had a moment of near euphoria thinking about all of the possibilities for my future and how I was most definitely going to achieve it. But, when it came to trying to get writing done, I was not on top of things and it started to bring me down by the end of the day.

Then, I wake up today and I can’t get going in the morning. I took my dog out and fed him, and went back to bed. It was almost noon by the time I finally drug myself out of bed to get coffee and try to start my day. And then, I have spent the rest of the day (it’s 3:30pm now) trying to get a single article written. I have managed to get around 500 words done. In comparison to good days, this is just horrible. I can write 400 word articles in 15 minutes or less when I am up and things just click.

Today, there is no clicking. I feel as though I am trying to form words through molasses. Everything feels heavy and weighed down with apathy and sadness. I am so tired and down. I have had more caffeine than I usually would at this time, and still I cannot get things flowing. Days like this just make me want to throw in the towel on work and on life. It is so difficult to try to work through this exhaustion and this brain fog. It is actually painful. I have given myself a headache trying to work today.

I wish I could adequately describe what this depression feels like and why it is so frustrating to feel so good sometimes and then feel so horrible 24-hours or less later. The good news I got today was that I am going to finally be able to change meds again and try to get this bipolar depression under control. I hope that I am finally going to find the med combination that will help me find a middle ground and just feel good for a while.

So, at least through all of the struggles today, there is a glimmer of hope in the darkness. It isn’t enough to swing the mood pendulum the other way, but logically, I can recognize that changing meds is a step in the right direction even if I cannot muster up any happiness or excitement about it.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Thanks for reading, as always!



Is It a Mixed Episode?

For those of you that follow my blog, you know that I have been very depressed lately. But I am beginning to wonder if I am possibly experiencing a mixed episode. I am decidedly depressed. I sleep for 12 or more hours a day, but the sleep is restless and I wake up several times a night (sometimes every hour or more). I toss and turn and have extremely vivid dreams.

I also have trouble falling asleep because of my racing, random thoughts. I am either obsessing over something I am worried about (finances, etc…) or my mind is just frantically going through an array of topics that I can’t even recall right now. Sometimes during the day, I have periods of time where I just cannot sit still and just pace around in my apartment aimlessly.

I think that I might be in a mixed episode because I have all of these symptoms and have occasional parts of the day where I’m inexplicably “up.” I am just so confused and frustrated. I haven’t been able to get much if any work done and I just feel like giving up on life sometimes (yes, I know, that is serious and I am seeing my care team regularly). Today, I barely got one article done for work and I had to strain to do that. It is another bad day in a string of mostly bad days. And I have to wonder if this will ever get better.

Depression Kicked Me in the Teeth

I have been in the depths of a serious depressive episode lately and the weight just does not seem to be lifting. I have managed to get myself out of bed in recent days, but usually that means making it to the couch. If I can accomplish little things like unloading the dishwasher, it feels like a major feat.

Feeling this way makes getting anything done feel impossible and working a far-fetched dream. I work from home as a freelance writer and part-time at a church, and when I am down like this, the writing feels especially impossible. It is like my brain won’t focus on the words and coming up with ideas for blog posts? Forget about it. The creative juices just aren’t flowing.

So, I sit and worry about money and my finances and how I can pay my bills when I am not getting any work done. I sit and feel guilty about not getting things done that I should be able to do. I fret and give myself panic attacks which further drain my energy and leave me bedridden yet again.

When I feel this way, the only thing I look forward to is sleeping. Sleeping is my escape from the hatred I feel for myself and the emptiness in my soul. I can dream and live in a fantasy world for 8 hours (okay, let’s face it more like 12 to 16 hours when I’m depressed).

Looking forward to only sleep is not a way to live, I know. And even when I am feeling that way, I know that. But, then I begin to question what the point of life is anyway. What purpose does my life serve? What good am I, anyway? And then, there I go, down the track toward suicidal thoughts just like that.

Depression really does kick you in the teeth and will hit you when you are down. Sometimes, you go so far down that you can’t imagine getting back up. That is about where I am now, wondering if this is ever going to change and if I will ever have an “up” period again.

That’s all I have for now as I have exhausted all the words I have in me for today. Thanks, as always, for reading!

My Life…

My life has been a crazy series of ups and downs as of late. It all started with med changes forced by insurance and has just catapulted from there. I’ve been up, I’ve been down, and I’ve been really down.

I’ve moved. I’m trying to revamp my writing career, and I am trying to figure out what my priorities are. Everything is up in the air right now and chaotic. And as those of you with bipolar disorder know, being out of control and in chaos is never a good thing. I am just waiting for that other shoe to drop right now as everything is teetering on the edge.

I am going to be contributing to this blog at least once a week. And I also recently started a Patreon page so that readers here can contribute to my blog if they deem it worthy of continuing. I would appreciate any support people are willing to give. Even $2 a month can help to keep me writing here instead of focusing my efforts elsewhere.

Anyway, with everything being so tumultuous lately, I have a lot that I can talk about in the days to come. Look for another post within the next week and hopefully continued weekly or biweekly posts from then on. Thanks as always for reading. And feel free to leave any comments or suggestions for topics.

Is It the Holidays or Am I Just Blue?

When it comes to the holidays and how I feel emotionally from my various mental health disorders (chiefly my bipolar, but also my anxiety, PTSD, and other issues), sometimes it is hard to tell what is responsible for what. On the one hand, I have been down for several days now but on the other hand, it’s Christmas Eve today and I’m having a hard time telling if I have the holiday blues or the depression blues.

This morning, all I wanted to do was sleep. I had to drag myself out of bed to take care of the pets and then to get ready to go to the church I work at to perform a duet with my little cousin in the Christmas Program. This should have been a really fun event for me as I adore my cousin and I have always loved playing my flute. But instead I was trying not to look as tired as I was and I was really trying to fight off a panic attack that was threatening to rear its ugly head.

Now, I am back home and all I want to do is go to sleep. But I know that that will affect my ability to sleep tonight and that my sleeping to avoid life and to avoid being awake and dealing with my emotional state is not the best way to go about things. So, here I sit, watching a horror movie (my personal favorite genre), trying to stay awake and get some work done today. I guess we will see how it goes today as I am on my own until tomorrow. Hopefully, things will work out for the better and I can get some work done in spite of this depression.

I’d Rather Be Asleep

When I am depressed, and I mean really depressed, being awake is a constant struggle. Every movement that I make, even the slightest shift in position is like it takes all of the effort in the world. I have three dogs and taking them outside or feeding them makes me feel as if I am going to collapse from exhaustion. I feel like the worst person in the world because I am so exhausted and have so little energy to devote to them or to my cats, especially since they are the only things that keep me going some days.

When I am depressed, I would rather be asleep 99.9% of the time. When I sleep, I can be anyone and anything. I don’t have to deal with the exhaustion of my daily life. I can just be. I can live the life I have always though I should. A lot of times, my dreams are like I’m in a movie. They can be intensely dramatic or scary, or funny, or romantic, but no matter what, they are always so much better than my real life with depression.

It is a horrible feeling when the “life” in your dreams is better than the life you are living, when every breath you take can feel like more work than you can bear and all you want is some relief. I feel like this is what it means to truly be suicidal or might be the feeling that precipitates the feeling of being suicidal. Because if you can’t stand to even take your dogs out in your backyard because it physically exhausts you, what can you do?

Is this a real life that I’m living if the fantasy is preferable to the reality? Is life worth living if all I want is to be asleep. A part of me knows that this feeling, like all of my periods of depression will pass, but I have been through this so many times that I have to wonder when it will ever get better. Clearly my meds are only doing so much and it might be time to make a change again. I guess after Christmas I will be putting in a call to my doctor once again.


Donations to the Blog

If you would like to donate to keep this blog going, feel free, but please do not feel obligated!


Missing One Day of Meds…

It is amazing to me that missing one day of my meds could cause so many weeks of struggle and difficulty. I fell asleep early one night after a long and exhausting day of work. And of course, I did not take my meds for anxiety and bipolar at bedtime the way I normally do.

I woke up the next morning and figured that everything would be fine as long as I took my medications normally that night (which I did). But over the next few weeks, I noticed a sinking depression that just settled in over me like a huge, heavy cloud. I couldn’t write or do my work and it was tough to even get out of bed. Suicidal thoughts came back and I didn’t know what to do or why this was happening.

I talked to my therapist about the situation and mentioned that I had missed a single dose of my medications. Immediately it was like something clicked for her. She told me that just a single dose being off could cause mood swings and that pretty soon my system would get back to normal on the meds again.

And boy was she right. I feel in control again now and I feel as though my moods have stabilized enough to get back to my work full-force and start blogging regularly again. I am feeling like me again. And I will be sure from now on that I take my meds before I lay down to rest, even if it is only 7 or 8pm.


If anyone is interested in helping to support my blog and my efforts to share my story as well as create a dialogue with others, fee free to donate to my blog.


Donations to the Blog

If you would like to donate to keep this blog going, feel free, but please do not feel obligated!