Yesterday was a relatively good day for me. I didn’t spend the whole day sitting in front of the computer trying in vain to get my writing assignments done for the day. I was out and about doing things and interacting with people. I went grocery shopping, I went to visit with family, and I went to my little cousin’s volleyball game. Then, I had a family dinner and TV watching (Fear the Walking Dead).
It was a full and busy day for me. And for most of the day, I was feeling up. I even had a moment of near euphoria thinking about all of the possibilities for my future and how I was most definitely going to achieve it. But, when it came to trying to get writing done, I was not on top of things and it started to bring me down by the end of the day.
Then, I wake up today and I can’t get going in the morning. I took my dog out and fed him, and went back to bed. It was almost noon by the time I finally drug myself out of bed to get coffee and try to start my day. And then, I have spent the rest of the day (it’s 3:30pm now) trying to get a single article written. I have managed to get around 500 words done. In comparison to good days, this is just horrible. I can write 400 word articles in 15 minutes or less when I am up and things just click.
Today, there is no clicking. I feel as though I am trying to form words through molasses. Everything feels heavy and weighed down with apathy and sadness. I am so tired and down. I have had more caffeine than I usually would at this time, and still I cannot get things flowing. Days like this just make me want to throw in the towel on work and on life. It is so difficult to try to work through this exhaustion and this brain fog. It is actually painful. I have given myself a headache trying to work today.
I wish I could adequately describe what this depression feels like and why it is so frustrating to feel so good sometimes and then feel so horrible 24-hours or less later. The good news I got today was that I am going to finally be able to change meds again and try to get this bipolar depression under control. I hope that I am finally going to find the med combination that will help me find a middle ground and just feel good for a while.
So, at least through all of the struggles today, there is a glimmer of hope in the darkness. It isn’t enough to swing the mood pendulum the other way, but logically, I can recognize that changing meds is a step in the right direction even if I cannot muster up any happiness or excitement about it.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Thanks for reading, as always!